Growing up!

When I was a little girl, I didn’t particularly like school. Whenever my Dad used to drop me off at school in the morning, I used to cry till the gates closed behind me. Nothing much has changed today just that I willingly stayed back and said bye to my dad instead as the gates closed. But there are a few things in common the emotion, the tears and the people involved.

There are days like today where I question all my decisions and deeply introspect every event that led me to take these in the first place. Today as I waved bye to my dad after spending 6 wonderful days together for a few minutes I couldn’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t go with him. I don’t know why I stayed back or why I moved at all. Goodbyes are so damn hard. For me it’s not the good bye that was triggering, I’m packing his stuff, I see his packed suitcase, we reach the airport, I say bye and we hug, I come home to a now empty place, I see his room, I see the glasses he's used, the tickets from our travels, the spot where he sat in the living room, pictures we took together, every thing around literally everything reminds me of him and is triggeting and the void is depressing.

A big part of adult life involves making decisions. An even bigger and crucial part of it is sticking with those decisions. While I’m living those decisions and trying extra hard to stick with those, I think of the imperfectly perfect days when we were all together. Nothing was going right, but we had each other. We still do, but with thousands of miles of physical distance between us. I introspect again of all the whys and whats of my life, and I tell myself that it’s ok. It’s ok to be apart for a little while in the best interest of everyone. But when he needs me, I know that nothing absolutely nothing can stop me from being with him. I tell this to myself, wipe the tears, put on a brave face when millions of little emotions are taking over my heart and attempt to go back the routine. While I know for a long long time I will keep reliving these 6 days in my head and hoping that in the future there will be a time when the weight of these decisions seem lighter and the time we spend together, longer…

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nights in a New place!

Wrote in April'20 - I wrote about Demons earlier. One of them is this. Nights in a New place! There's a longing, an anticipation and there are missing home feelings. I sleep best when I know there are a lot of people in the house/building or when someone is awake, sense of having some company, I guess. The noises of people laughing or having loud conversations in the neighboring houses or some vehicular movement on the roads is all very comforting for me. (Can't say the same about Construction noises though, they're annoying) So our first night in Australia was rather dramatic, luggage fiasco as per usual and our cousins came to pick us up. On our drive from Airport to their house we must have seen not more than 30 cars on the roads. Pitch dark with skies cloudy from all bushfires. Finally when we arrived in front from of their house, it felt like it's literally in the middle of nowhere. Isn't Melbourne supposed to be a big city? I mean where are all the peopl...
Read more

Nanamma❤️

There's something so comforting about Grandmothers. Like a warm blanket on a cold day. I never got to meet my Maternal Grandmother, though I've heard a great deal about her from my mom. But for me, in this life, Nanamma was the one and only.  We tend to like few people from the time we don't even know our own names. Even before we know what is liking.  I liked her from then and in her own words I must have heard this some 100 times, that I cried moment I saw her, after I was back from my mom's sister's place when I was 2 years old. I vividly remember the walls of the OU quarters, the lawn and a chess table in the center where Nanamma and Tatayya played chess every evening and we'd be hanging on trees like monkeys. I remember the aroma of her cooking, her very soft and wrinkled hands, they have magic in them. There's not a dish she's not good at. Anything, like anything she makes is THE yummiest even Upma. She was loved by all our relatives and frien...
Read more